Just Your Average Naruto Fanfiction
by Tralfmadore
Summary: A classical collection of short stories set in the fine literary tradition that is the fanfiction.


This fic makes mention of events that take place in the manga which have not yet happened in the anime. If you are only following the anime and don't want future plot details to be spoiled…Oh, right, then you probably wouldn't log onto fanfiction to begin with. Oh well, forget I said anything.

_Author's Note: So, first thing's first, this fic is more a parody of fanfiction than it is of Naruto. I am honestly not making that much fun of Naruto, which is an anime I enjoy very much. Also this is a humor fic, which means that you shouldn't take anything that seriously._

_But still, after reading this, I would like you ask yourself a question, because I sometimes wonder if I see things from a very cynical point of view: Is this really any stranger than your average fanfic?_

**Just Your Average Naruto Fanfiction**

It was early morning in Konoha village. Various shops throughout the Hidden Leaf opened their doors, prepared to do business with traders from other villages who apparently knew exactly where top-secret ninja settlements were located. The local ninja-electricians made their way towards the power plant, to make sure the electricity for a village in Feudal Japan that didn't have any power-lines was running smoothly. Ninja mailmen were having their early morning coffee, preparing to make their rounds. And more importantly, two half-assed fanfiction writers self-inserted themselves into the middle of town…

"So, who's stronger? Itachi or the 4th Hokage?" asked the fanboy.

"Oh. My. God. Like, are you even kidding? Itachi is sooooo much smexier than Naruto's dad, but not nearly as smexy as Sasuke." replied the fangirl.

"But who would win in a fight?"

"My precious Sasuke would, of course!"

"Between the first two?!"

"Like, Itachi would of course because he like killed his entire clan but like because he was a good guy and like then tortured Sasuke for like 72 hours and told him to like be hateful for the rest of his life but like didn't kill him because he like loved him sooooo much. That part was like soooo sad. I like cried for hours after I read that part of the manga."

"But the rest of the Uchiha clan basically amounted to a bunch of local rent-a-cops. The 4th defeated a giant immortal monster with basically unlimited chakra that would have destroyed the entire village-Uchiha clan and all-in a matter of seconds. That has to count for something."

"But I love Sasuke like soooo much that his brother should win!" exclaimed the fangirl.

Clearly these two's attempt at conversation was the same as trying to fit a cube into a cylindrical engraving.

"And by that logic, you're saying that Itachi is stronger than the 4th?"

"You betcha."

A figure in the distance came running up. Due to a speech impediment that seems to only affect anime characters, he could rarely speak at a normal volume, and basically shouted 90% of his lines:

"HEY! WHO ARE YOU GUYS?! I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT YOU ARE BLOCKING THE ENTRANCE TO TEUCHI'S RAMEN SHOP! BELIEVE IT!"

If you're not sure which character said this, then it's back to the DVD box-set for you, genius.

The fanboy spoke first.

"Hey, it's Naruto! Say, who do you think would win in a fight: you or Orochimaru?"

"UH, IT'S KINDA HARD TO TEST THAT ONE NOW!!!!!!!! OROCHIMARU IS KIND OF DEAD!!!! BELIEVE IT!!!!!!!" Naruto screamed even though he was about 6 inches away from the fanboy's face.

The fanboy was all a rage.

"No! No that's not true! Kabuto surgically grafted parts of Orochimaru's body onto himself, and his serpent spirit survived! You should follow the plot more closely, Naruto."

To prove his point, the fanboy wrote Kabuto/Orochimaru into the plot on the spot. Just like in your average fanfic, he was written into the plot without any kind of proper transition or any clear, well defined role to play within said plot.

"Ah, yessssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss! Finally I am here to do vaguely evil thingssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss which will lead to the desssssssssssssstruction of Konoha!

It would make sense to most people that nothing said to such a character would have any effect whatsoever, therefore rendering negotiations fruitless. But this is the Naruto Universe, where it makes perfect sense to throw mountains of sympathy towards mass murders all because they flash back to their terrible childhood memories of a pet dog dying or something like that…

Also Naruto is more or less your stereotypical anime protagonist, meaning he is a complete freaking moron.

"I HONESTLY CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU WOULD WANT TO DO THAT, OROCHIMARU! BELIEVE IT!!!!!!!" Naruto screamed at the top of his lungs.

"Ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssilence you petulant child! My evil plan issssssssssssssssss none of your concern!"

"BUT WAIT!!!!!! LATELY IN THE MANGA I'VE BEEN DOING THIS THING WHERE I TRY TO UNDERSTAND THE PAIN OF THE VILLAINS. IF WE CAN COME TO AN UNDERSTANDING, THEN MAYBE WE CAN WORK OUT AN AGREEMENT SO THAT YOU DON'T DESTROY THE VILLIAGE! BELIEVE IT!!!!!!!

"Okay, sure. What about me do the likessssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss of you want to know?"

"I NEED TO KNOW YOUR GREAT SOURCES OF PAIN SO THAT I CAN UNDERSTAND WHY YOU ACT THE WAY YOU DO. BELIEVE IT!!!!!!!"

"Fine. My great ssssssssssssource of pain is the death of my parentsssssssssssssssssssss many yearsssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss ago. Inssssssstead of feeling ssssssad, I decided that I would learn all the ninjutsu in the world and alssssssssso desssssssstroy my home village of Konoha."

"WHAT??!!!!?!??! THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE!!!!!! LOSING YOUR PARENTS IS SUPPOSED TO MAKE YOU FEEL SAD, IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH WANTING TO DESTROY YOUR HOMETOWN. YOU HAD BETTER COME UP WITH A BETTER REASON THAN THAT! BELIEVE IT!!!!!!!!!!"

"Watch your tongue, little brat. That'ssssssss all the more character development I wasssssssss given. Sssssssssssso I guesssssssssss you could sssssssssay I act the way I do becausssssssssse I'm sssssssssssso two dimensional."

"YEAH! IT'S A WONDER I DIDN'T FIGURE THAT OUT FROM THE ANNOYING WAY YOU TALK! BELIEVE IT!!!!!!!!!"

"I ssssssssssaid ssssssssilence, incompetent brat! There isssssssssssss nothing more for you to do than sssssssssssssstand back and watch assssssssssssssssssssssss I perform the forbidden jutsu!"

"OH NO! YOU'RE NOT GOING TO PERFORM THE REANIMATION JUTSU TO RESURRECT THE PREVIOUS HOKAGES AND THEN FORCE THEM INTO ATTACKING THE VILLAGE, ARE YOU? THAT WOULD BE VERY BAD, BELIEVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"No! Absssssssolutly not! I told you the time for wordssssssssss isssssssss over, ssssssssssimply ssssssssssssstand back and watch!"

Orochimaru began forming sexually suggestive seals with his hands. After a few seconds of this, he shouted the name of the jutsu he was performing:

"YAOI NO JUTSU!!!!!"

Suddenly, an interdimensional rift opened up behind Orochimaru. He smiled at this, making himself look 10 times more like a snake than he already did.

"Thisssssssss isssssssssss not the forbidden reanimation jutsu. Thissssssssssssss issssssssss in fact the forbidden yaoi jutsu, which opens a portal to the yaoi universssssse. Gaze insssssssssside and behold asssssssssssss you, Naruto Uzemaki are paired with your brotherly figure Sasuke. Your dream girlfriend Sakura will be paired up with her friend, Ino. Konahamaru is paired with his snot-nosed friend. Kakashi is paired with Yamato. The 3rd Hokage is paired with Danzo. Kiba and Shino. Rock Lee and Might Guy. Choji and himself. Tsunade and Shizune. Tenten and Temari Pain and Madara. I could go on…"

"I GET IT!!!! IT'S A WORLD EXACTLY LIKE OUR OWN EXCEPT THAT INSTEAD OF CARING ABOUT ANYTHING IMPORTANT, EVERYONE IS SINGULARLY OBSESSED WITH THE IDEA OF GAY SEX."

Both the fanboy and fangirl, who were just standing there for a while, immediately jumped up at this.

"SQUEE!!!! This is like a dream come true. I like can't wait! There are like so many yaoi fics I can like write with this! Like, come on! Let's like go there!" exclaimed the fangirl.

And so both the fanboy and fangirl charged for the yaoi universe. Just like in your average fanfic, they were written out of the plot without any kind of proper transition or any clear, well defined lasting impact on said plot.

HEY! WAIT! YOU'RE FROM THIS YAOI UNIVERSE TOO, AREN'T YOU, OROCHIMARU!" shouted Naruto

Orochimaru waited a few seconds for Naruto to deliver his trademark line.

"Well hurry up and ssssssssay 'believe it,' I haven't got all day."

"HEY! I DON'T SAY IT THAT MUCH!!!!! BELIEVE IT AND ANSWER MY QUESTION!!!!!!!!!!!"

"For once the anssssssssswer issssssssssssssss yessssssssss, I didn't think you had it in you to deduce that. However, I am always paired with my sssssssssssssweet little ssssssssservant Kabuto!"

"BUT DIDN'T THAT FANBOY SAY HE SURGICALLY GRAFT PARTS OF YOU ONTO HIS…" Naruto trailed off. It took him only a moment to realize simply how disgusting the concept was.

"YUCK! HE GRAFTED YOUR BODY PARTS ONTO HIMSELF!!!! I'VE HEARD ENOUGH! I'M GONNA SEND YOU RIGHT BACK INTO THAT PORTAL WHERE YOU BELONG! BELIEVE IT!!!!!!!!"

"Why don't you just try, you ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssilly little boy?"

"HERE I COME!!!"

Now, in all honesty, it would probably take Naruto about 4 full episodes of fighting and 10 full episodes of flashback to properly hit Orochimaru with his trademark deus ex machina attack, the rasengan. Let's just fast forward through all that and jump to the point of contact.

"RASENGAN!!!!! BELIEVE IT!!!!!!!"

The Kabuto/Orochimaru complex only managed to say one more line before Naruto's Rasengan blasted him back into the interdimensional flux that lead into the super-creepy yaoi universe. This is what he said:

"Now I know what it'sssssss like to be inside a Harry Potter cosssssplayer. And let me tell you, it feelssssssssss amazzzzzzing!"

So much for him…

Anyways, hidden away in another corner of the village were Sasuke, Gaara, and Pain. They were trying to have an in-depth debate over who had the most screwed up childhood. Trying, and also failing, because the kept getting interrupted.

"SQUEEEEE!!!!!!" screamed another Marysue character as she burst into their hiding spot. Created by yet another crackhead fanfiction author-this one too lazy to self insert into the story-the Marysue's entire existence centered around expressing the author's romantic and sexual urges towards a fictional character.

"HAY, SASKAY! OMG WTF LOL UR REALY HAWT, CAN I LIKE HAVE UR BAIBEES?"

Sasuke took a moment to meditate on the existence of this Marysue and her request. After all, it seemed reasonable to show her the same hospitality he usually showed original characters. Bearing everything in mind, he formulated an appropriate response to her presence:

"CHIDORI!!!!!!!!!!"

Sasuke had now killed 355,147,993 original characters created by fangirls (and a few fanboys) who had approached him with similar requests. This was in comparison to Gaara's 335,147,992 kills and Pain's lacking number of only 15,265,203 kills. They all kept exact count, because whoever had the most could use that in their debate.

"So as I was saying, Pain," continued Sasuke, "your friend was the one with the intent to kill himself, you were only used as the instrument of death. Therefore, I don't think that counts as you murdering him…"

On and on and on.

The minutes flew by. All three of them quickly learned the ins and outs of debate, and went about analyzing the misery, violence, cruelty, and treachery that was their childhoods.

"My family was slaughtered by Konoha ninjas!" argued Pain.

"My family was slaughtered by my older brother!" countered Sasuke.

"I slaughtered my family and anyone else who happened to come near me!" proclaimed Gaara.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Gaara won this round.

"Oh well," said a defeated Sasuke, "at least I still have the greatest number of original characters who have come to harass…"

"SQEEEE!!!11!!1!!!!!" screamed yet another original character yearning for romantic and sexual activity. She stumbled her way into the secret hiding place and, like the last 407 fangirls who had came before her, rudely interrupted the ongoing debate.

"OMG WTF ROFLMAO BRB PBB LOL!!!!!! 0H, GA4R4 D4RLING, ENV3L0P M3 IN Y0UR W4RM SM3XY S4ND!!!!!"

Gaara took a moment to meditate on the existence of this Marysue and her request. After all, it seemed reasonable to show her the same hospitality he usually showed original characters. Bearing everything in mind, he formulated an appropriate response to her presence:

"Okay."

Sand began pouring slowly out of the gourd on Gaara's back which quietly drifted around the Marysue.

"SQUEEE!!!!!!! G44R4 YOUR SO ROM4N71C!!!! N0W W1LL Y0U T4K3 M3 S0M3WH3R3 WH3R3 W3 C4N B3 4LON3?"

"Of course you will be alone…in your own dark silent hell! SAND COFFIN!!!!!!!!"

The sand around the Marysue imploded.

"I believe the current tally is 355,147,993 for Sasuke, 355,147,993 for myself, and 15,265,203 for Pain. But please continue, Uchiha. Weren't you saying something about having more fangirls harassing you?"

Sasuke growled in frustration.

While that was happening, Kakashi was busy paying tribute to his dear childhood friend Obito Uchiha. Helping him with this tribute were his fellow Jonin Asuma and Kurenai. Of course, by tribute I mean they were hanging around being lazy so that they would intentionally be late to whatever important business they had later in the day.

"Wait, where exactly in the timeline does this story take place?" wondered Kakashi out loud. "Pain is alive, Sasuke isn't trying to kill everyone and their families for not understanding how emo he is, and Asuma is still here."

You see, in Kakashi's studies to copy countless ninja techniques, he discovered a latent ability that not even Madara Uchiha himself knew existed within the power of the Sharingan:

4th wall breaking.

Much like anyone else would given his position, Kakashi was busy trying to wade through the plot so far in an effort to understand it.

"_This seriously doesn't make any sense. Are the storywriters making a holiday special or some kind of comic relief episode that exists outside the canon of the Naruto Universe? That seems unlikely, because the story thus far has been a random list of silly events not connected in thematic material or even coherent sense. I mean, God forbid this is a fanfiction…Wait! Self inserted authors, original Marysue characters, yaoi, it all adds up! What else could this be other than a fanfiction? If that's the case, then there's only one thing left for me to do before the author tries to pair me up with Yamato or Sasuke or the 4__th__ Hokage…"_

"What are you talking about, Kakashi? Why wouldn't Asuma still be here?" asked Kurenai.

"What? Oh, that…well…um…Oh! Because he goes on vacation. Yeah, that's it. A very very long vacation."

"Well that's good to hear. I have an upcoming mission with the rest of Team 10 in which we try and stop an annoying masochistic member of Akatsuki and his partner, whose nickname is 'Mr. Stitch.' It's good to hear that after such a tough mission, I'll be able to relax and take a break." said Asuma.

"Yeah…I'm sure it'll be drop dead fun."

They continued talking for quite some time while Kakashi prepared the strength and courage to do what he was about to do. But then, they were interrupted by the most annoying sound ever heard in the Hidden Leaf.

"KAKASHI SENSEI!!!!!!!!! KAKASHI SENSEI!!!!!! HEY, KAKASHI SENSEI!!!!!!!! IT'S TIME FOR MY TRAINING!!!!! BELIEVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Dammit. Naruto thinks it's already time for training. And here I was looking forward to an entire morning without having to put up with him."

The three Jonin all thought of different ways to get rid of Naruto so that Kakashi wouldn't have to deal with him.

"I'll trap him in a genjutsu so you can run away." suggested Kurenai.

"I'll offer him to go have barbecue." offered Asuma.

"No, don't worry about it you two. I have this situation completely under control. It'll be easy to give Naruto the slip, write ourselves out of the plot, and put and end to this really silly fanfiction all in one stroke…"

And then, Kakashi did the unthinkable:

"4TH WALL SHATTER NO JUTSU!!!!!!!"

Unlike before, when Kakashi only tore small holes through the 4th wall to see what was going on, this time the 4th wall completely broke down.

All Naruto had to do was turn right at the next corner and he would have found Kakashi. But it was already to late, because the world surrounding him shattered and the absolute truth lie right before his eyes.

"HEY!!!!!!!!!! WHAT'S UP WITH THIS?!!?! AM I IN KONOHA?!?!! WHY DOES EVERYTHING LOOK LIKE A COMPUTER SCREEN?!?!?!??! AND WHY DON'T I HAVE A BODY??!! WHY AM I NOTHING MORE THAN TEXT ON A BLACK AND WHITE SCREEN WITH NARUTO COSPLAY ADVERTISEMENTS AT THE TOP AND BOTTOM OF THE PAGE? AND YOU THERE…YES, I'M TALKING TO YOU WHO ARE READING ME…ER, I MEAN YOU WHO ARE READING THIS: WHAT IS IT YOU ARE GETTING OUT OF THIS? WHAT IS IT ABOUT TRASHY YAOI FICS AND INCOHERENT CROSSOVERS AND POINTLESS ORIGINAL CHARACTERS AND DISBELIEF SHATTERING AUTHOR INSERTIONS YOU FIND SO AMUSING OR ENLIGHTENING OR ENTERTAINING? WELL, I'M A STEREOTYPICAL ANIME PROTAGONIST, WHICH MEANS I NEVER PAID MUCH ATTENTION IN SCHOOL AND HAVE THE ATTENTION SPAN OF A GOLDFISH. AS SUCH I'M WAY TO LAZY TO READ THIS STORY AND LEAVE A WELL THOUGHT OUT AND INSIGHTFULL REVIEW. SO INSTEAD I'M GOING TO GO TO A DIFFERENT WEB SITE AND READ MY OWN MANGA SERIES. BELIEVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

**Fin**


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